What I want

I just want to be happy hearing your voice. I want to know that you got me even though I'm workin to have us... I want your smile to be my weakness yet your presence is my strength...

Right by your self

I just don't understand how someone can feel that proving a point is more important than solving the problem. A wise woman once said something to the effect of, you keep tryna be right, and you'll be right by yourself... I don't know what you're tryin to prove but a relationship is two human beings, fuck the right and the wrong, there's a person here and your arguments mean nothing if you've lost the other person. This is life, this is emotion...grow up... Realize the only winner is the person who still has someone to argue with

07142013

Can I just say that I'm learning alot about myself through the lens of this "relationship". I suck at communication... I think years of laughing at people who show emotion have me now.... less emotionally free. I definitely don't want to come off as weak or any of the like, but it's just so out of my character to compliment people. Even if the compliment is something that I've actually thought.... the thought is just that...a thought.  I'm trying to become more open with myself, I think I'm a book, but only when asked specifically what my opinion is on something. Aside from specifics, I am pretty closed off... But that's only because I feel like my actions show that I care and that's somehow worth more than any words can describe.... But I'm told in the mind of women, they want both... As with everything else, they want it all.

Eat to live

..drugs are synthesized from nature, and given at concentrated levels but why not give yourself a daily dose of nutrition? Why wait til you're sick? Break the cycle, and prevent the preventable

Nonviolence, is only for the oppressed

Sure there was ghandi, but also there was MLK. Teaching nonviolence to the oppressed seems so weird.... In reference to trayvon Martin, why should the oppressed be obligated to NOT react? When his "girlfriend" was in trial why was she vilified for reacting to the prosecutor? "Never do you find whites encouraging other whites to be nonviolent"- Malcolm X  ...his example of Pearl Harbor still resonates... with the World trade incident, when we are attacked as a country our response isn't nonviolence, it's war. War is their reaction directed/cosigned by the president.... What kind of world would we be in if everyone thought that way? Nations in which we practice drone strikes and kill innocent citizens would be  well within their rights to react THEN... Malcolm X adds as oppressed people of the past (slavery) we are expected to forget oppression, YET the holocaust has two recognized days April 27/28....TWO FUCKING DAYS

Language

Language really is a reflection of experience rather...more so,  than intellect.... Language really is telling of who YOU are...more often than not. The way you communicate with me, or in any situation is indicative of your true self, neither good nor bad... Just a descriptive exercise

03312013

...just one of those nights where i feel overwhelmed by life. Irony of life (living), to make you not want......

Regret, maybe

Though I believe the women of this past year were not "the one" a part of me does regret not actively pursuing them. I mean, i dont chase anyone, as a guy ive been told we are supposed to. Im VERY stubborn, and small annoyances turn to not speaking pretty often. NO ones perfect, i know im not. Part of me is waaaaay too self conscious in the first place. I tend to "play it cool" to the point, im sure the other person doesnt even know i actually care......which is was the goal, but not the goal at the same time.

S forced me to make a decision with the "what are we?" How does anyone respond to that, i dont know? I genuinely loved her company, actually bought her gifts, paid for dinner....willingly, i mean i GUESS we were dating, but putting a label on it freaked me out..... I told her I cared, and wanted to keep getting to know her......she didnt like that......and my stubborn mind let her keep walking...

N didnt help the situation with S....working at the same place, closer to me that S a majority of the day. As N stepped in, S faded, moved on, with work and eventually became a stranger. N and I chilled, i dealt with her free spirit, and loved it.....but of course those free spirits are unpredictable and i do like a certain degree of stability. As a girl who moved across country, i didnt know anything about her past, which in her case, was probably for the better. Pill popper, dreamer, naive, beautiful, FOOL....thats what she was. And i loved every bit. As work took her away, she doubted id stick around, i did my part but again my self conscious mind got in the way. Im not here to chase, if she wants me, she has my number.....and no one is ever THAT busy....again, another one became a stranger...

Then, there was A; a random guest appearance in my life story. Someone i vaguely knew from the past, but who decided to make herself known to me. Again, being self conscious, you tend to THINK, alot. Play it cool, yea I know who you are but, i dont wanna look like i care so, nice to meet you for the first time ever in life. A fireball to say the least, intelligent yet, street, the duality that i love.  I never took her serious, again, people are mostly talk, and im self conscious, i need you to provide credibility before i invest real emotion. Im chillin, seeing where this goes. Whether she was serious or not, ill never know, well, presently i dont, but who knows if shes pop back up. Im not chasing anyone, if i see myself initiating everything, ill take a step back. Of course, I peep, and act accordingly.....so days of me not initiating conversation, turn into days of us not talking. Days of us not talking turn to, well, yea.....The Fade....

I just think about how different these women were but how great i felt while with them....maybe they werent right, but maybe, it was me.....maybe I just never did my part. Its just hard, im not a people person. I dont understand people......

#also

Ive taken a pretty distinct step away from many people in my life as of recent. Though i'm usually a fleeting figure in most people lives, Ive actually make an effort to step away this time. Though the details of each instance are all different I just dont see myself as a constant figure in many peoples lives except for a marked few, who I know refuse to let me go even if I tried....I call them friends.

Part of the reason I decided to step away from many relationships, both platonic and romantic is to focus on me...school, work and just ME. I really hold myself to a high standard and dont feel like myself unless they are met. I dont see myself dating which has caused a few sad faces within the past year, but its for everyones own good. Im not here to waste anyones time, so when I do date I want to make sure bringing alot to the table. That is my own insecurity...Ive been told that with regard to relationships i seem to have it "together", and "it seems a bit intimidating". I understand women are idealistic and would certainly accept a guy who was down on his luck, though im not "that guy", my point is im sure im a good catch for someone at the moment, but personally, I wouldnt even have the confidence to make any moves..

Forgiveness and Understanding

...the lack thereof, something I know a lot about.

I dont seek to understand the actions of most people, rarely questioning their motives. I walk away...because I dont seem to care enough to withstand the headache of a potential argument, I hate that back and forth, all to realize you have your perspective and I have mine. Skip that exchange and lets walk away....far away...farther than the farthest speck in my rearview. Till youre someone that I used to know.... I understand my policies arent the best, or most conducive for love, and relationships in general...I understand that. I hurt people with my lack of concern, I understand that...

I understand why I am the way I am... * insert "who hurt you" gif* but its more than that, though it is relevant.

Im a loner by nature, geared to be independent, caring for others doesnt come natural. DEALING with people in general is hard for me. I often go through the motions, doing what i "think" im expected to do....that was a set up for failure in a few past relationships. I fall so easily into doing what I think people want me to do, saying what I think people want me to say, because , again, its easier that way, at least in the short term.  Though ive tried the whole honesty thing, and apparently lost one of the best girls to ever genuinely care about my life. I let her go, on a misunderstanding....again, im not a people person...instead of further explanation, i allowed us to drift on miscommunication. The thing about drifting apart that I hate is, that moment when you realize its too late to go back...

In my pursuit of understanding Forgiveness, ive only gotten far enough to see that caring is a prerequisite, then I hit a wall...

iight....

Lemme go'head and catch yall up
...so, from mid november up until last thursday I was working at Nordstrom. I actually loved that job. For obvious reasons if youve seen the last few posts and noticed how they were about clothes o_0. Nonetheless, i loved the job, just had a few problems with the management.

Fortunately, as a frequent patron of the Ralph Lauren store, I was offered  job, which starts thursday. Also my 3rd semester of grad school ended last week, so Ive been enjoying this mini vaction to chill, rock my sneakers and pretend to get my life together.

Ive decided that I will post here more often (i know, ive said that before) but this is the one place where I can write my thoughts that hasnt been too infiltrated(FB, Tumblr, Twitter) by people that i actually know...not that i dont want readers, I just prefer fewer people. Ultimately I like writing, because it helps me formulate my opinion....and gives me more of a marker for personal progression.


cant wait for work on thursday!

A lesson on being comfortable

WhatIWore:
Jacket: Vintage Sears & Roebuck (Free)
Shirt: RL Oxford
Tie: Thrifted aka too lazy to go check the label
Belt: RL braided belt
Pants: Levi's 501
Shoes: Allen Edmonds

Though this isnt the most expensive outfit, I love the way it came together. My buying habits are extremely erratic; sometimes I grab one outrageous thing that I have no clue how to wear, or what would even go with it, and other times its simple shit. From my light blue De la Renta jacket, to my white RL pants, somethings will be in the closet for some time, while things like my seemingly infinite collection if ties are worn everyday, especially with work.

Though it all, thrifted or full price, my style is within the same arena; comfort. Luxury or prep its all comfortable, including but not limited to fit, I mean also when I put it on, I KNOW, this is me, and me is this. Contrary to elitist style/menswear bloggers who are quick to call an outfit "costume-y" I believe clothes are more-so personality than status, though sometimes clothes and status do overlap, its not a must. Wearing a rep-tie doesnt make you any more Ivy than wearing MJ shoes will make you a better basketball player, and those were all reasons of function.

Granted I do have a degree, and I am working towards my masters, that indicates not what I wear, at least at this point. I dont believe this is a problem looking like you care, just because your job only requires "casual friday". Just because you are required to wear a suit, doesnt mean you have to be stiff either.I surprisingly I hate having to wear suits because im lazy and hate getting them tailored. I like blazers to mix and match with jeans. Plus I flat out hate wearing too much of the same color, like how suits are generally navy jacket + navy pants or black or grey top and bottom, something about that kills me on the inside and I dont know why *shrug* and as a consequence Im rarely happy to be wearing a suit, especially at work.

...anyway, Im alive, life's pretty good

When the time comes

I feel like my life at this point is playing some strange game of duality. Mentally im at one place but physically im at another... Masters program, yet no job, a girl but cant date her...then again thats me as a person...contradiction and non-linear logic...

but for todays post I have the jacket...
A vintage(80s) Christian Dior Double Breasted Shawl Collar jacket


Beautiful gold buttons setting of a particularly blue jacket, not so navy as my iphone would have you believe, its a little lighter. It gives a certain flair of wealth, screaming "im on a boat", yet sophisticated enough to know that you already knew where I was going.

Though the jacket cost me the price of a medium pizza from Little Ceasars, I love it to death. The problem is where exactly would I wear it!? On my any travels to the library?, while pulling an all nighter? or to the movies?, though I kid, my point is a piece such as this deserves a backdrop thats quite comparable to its beauty. Though I am in south florida, im thinking, Worth ave, Palm beach?, Downtown Delray or maybe Mizner Park Boca Raton... None the less with no destination in the foreseeable future I can only imagine when id wear it...

Regardless, theres something about it, a uniqueness about a shawl collar jacket with a pocket on the upper right. One of those things you dont see everyday. Also the fact that its double breasted, not really a common style for mean at the moment.

anyway...I may add more pictures later

Via Skype

Sweet innocence
you, through my eyes gives me hope
...or atleast a smile
you and those red pants, did i mention I love red pants?
that girl, with the accent from somewhere with cows in the distance

sometimes i just want you around

060911

Give it all you got, till you got it all...A major precursor to progress is to set aside ones pride in the name of positivity. God's promise was not that life would be easy, but that he would bring you through...over adversity. Dont be too proud to ask for help, and never feel as though you are too good for something...especially when you have no foreseeable options. Very few things in life are absolutely pointless, its a matter of perspective. Find the benefit in adversity and hard times... The past 6 months have shown me that hard times encourage focus. When doors start closing, you have a way of starting to narrow your sights on your destination...Focus and progress are not exclusive to struggling, but the struggle does fast forward the thinking process in my mind... in other words when "shit gets real" youre forces to make a decision...

In life mistakes are inevitable..there are metaphorical "wrecks",where a bad choice leads to a bad outcome, singularly, then there are series of bad decisions. Its important to not let adversity and negatively lead to further bad choices. Be honest with yourself...be real...look at where you are, and look at where you wanna be....then figure out the disconnect, the things that need to happen to get where you want to be.

*heavy sigh*
lets see what happens
I think I heard ice cracking...

What she told me....

So theres this girl right. Very attractive, the light skin long hair long legs, bowbowbow type girl. We have a bit of history together, nothin "serious", just a series of hoodrat events on her part.....involving the song buss-it-wide-open, basketball, tennis, Indian food and a football stadium...you know all the ingredients to a real memory.

(pause)

dont really know where i was going with this
ill be back later


*comes back later*

we're just friends
and Im perfectly fine with that
though I do have a part of me that wants to be more....
our relationship is waaaay more healthy as friends
she needs me as a friend, and thats what I shall be

FB chat 0612011

...sometimes people dont even know how true the words are that they speak. Surround yourself with people who are DOWN for the cause. No man is an island...and lord knows I need help.

The worst

...the greatest fear is the fear of the unknown
the greatest obstacle is the glass ceiling
Obstacles unforeseen but most definitely THERE

Balance

while that dark side of my mind continues to be just that....dark, there is a lighter note to cancel it out.

I am blessed with opportunity
I just hate waiting...
So thankful for what ive been given
the good and the bad, are shaping me
...this multifaceted individual
this existence of potential
...this
....me
I just hate waiting
I just want to press fast forward
I just want to live my life
...and not be scrutinized about my past

I know God is here...I know he is working on me
Im trying...
I will be fine

Getaway

with perfect timing I got a getaway...
a moment of clarity
a moment to be me
...its so cancerous to live this double life
Im seriously pushing my breaking point
but through it all im back...3 days later
ready to continue this...thing...life