Regret, maybe

Though I believe the women of this past year were not "the one" a part of me does regret not actively pursuing them. I mean, i dont chase anyone, as a guy ive been told we are supposed to. Im VERY stubborn, and small annoyances turn to not speaking pretty often. NO ones perfect, i know im not. Part of me is waaaaay too self conscious in the first place. I tend to "play it cool" to the point, im sure the other person doesnt even know i actually care......which is was the goal, but not the goal at the same time.

S forced me to make a decision with the "what are we?" How does anyone respond to that, i dont know? I genuinely loved her company, actually bought her gifts, paid for dinner....willingly, i mean i GUESS we were dating, but putting a label on it freaked me out..... I told her I cared, and wanted to keep getting to know her......she didnt like that......and my stubborn mind let her keep walking...

N didnt help the situation with S....working at the same place, closer to me that S a majority of the day. As N stepped in, S faded, moved on, with work and eventually became a stranger. N and I chilled, i dealt with her free spirit, and loved it.....but of course those free spirits are unpredictable and i do like a certain degree of stability. As a girl who moved across country, i didnt know anything about her past, which in her case, was probably for the better. Pill popper, dreamer, naive, beautiful, FOOL....thats what she was. And i loved every bit. As work took her away, she doubted id stick around, i did my part but again my self conscious mind got in the way. Im not here to chase, if she wants me, she has my number.....and no one is ever THAT busy....again, another one became a stranger...

Then, there was A; a random guest appearance in my life story. Someone i vaguely knew from the past, but who decided to make herself known to me. Again, being self conscious, you tend to THINK, alot. Play it cool, yea I know who you are but, i dont wanna look like i care so, nice to meet you for the first time ever in life. A fireball to say the least, intelligent yet, street, the duality that i love.  I never took her serious, again, people are mostly talk, and im self conscious, i need you to provide credibility before i invest real emotion. Im chillin, seeing where this goes. Whether she was serious or not, ill never know, well, presently i dont, but who knows if shes pop back up. Im not chasing anyone, if i see myself initiating everything, ill take a step back. Of course, I peep, and act accordingly.....so days of me not initiating conversation, turn into days of us not talking. Days of us not talking turn to, well, yea.....The Fade....

I just think about how different these women were but how great i felt while with them....maybe they werent right, but maybe, it was me.....maybe I just never did my part. Its just hard, im not a people person. I dont understand people......