Regret, maybe

Though I believe the women of this past year were not "the one" a part of me does regret not actively pursuing them. I mean, i dont chase anyone, as a guy ive been told we are supposed to. Im VERY stubborn, and small annoyances turn to not speaking pretty often. NO ones perfect, i know im not. Part of me is waaaaay too self conscious in the first place. I tend to "play it cool" to the point, im sure the other person doesnt even know i actually care......which is was the goal, but not the goal at the same time.

S forced me to make a decision with the "what are we?" How does anyone respond to that, i dont know? I genuinely loved her company, actually bought her gifts, paid for dinner....willingly, i mean i GUESS we were dating, but putting a label on it freaked me out..... I told her I cared, and wanted to keep getting to know her......she didnt like that......and my stubborn mind let her keep walking...

N didnt help the situation with S....working at the same place, closer to me that S a majority of the day. As N stepped in, S faded, moved on, with work and eventually became a stranger. N and I chilled, i dealt with her free spirit, and loved it.....but of course those free spirits are unpredictable and i do like a certain degree of stability. As a girl who moved across country, i didnt know anything about her past, which in her case, was probably for the better. Pill popper, dreamer, naive, beautiful, FOOL....thats what she was. And i loved every bit. As work took her away, she doubted id stick around, i did my part but again my self conscious mind got in the way. Im not here to chase, if she wants me, she has my number.....and no one is ever THAT busy....again, another one became a stranger...

Then, there was A; a random guest appearance in my life story. Someone i vaguely knew from the past, but who decided to make herself known to me. Again, being self conscious, you tend to THINK, alot. Play it cool, yea I know who you are but, i dont wanna look like i care so, nice to meet you for the first time ever in life. A fireball to say the least, intelligent yet, street, the duality that i love.  I never took her serious, again, people are mostly talk, and im self conscious, i need you to provide credibility before i invest real emotion. Im chillin, seeing where this goes. Whether she was serious or not, ill never know, well, presently i dont, but who knows if shes pop back up. Im not chasing anyone, if i see myself initiating everything, ill take a step back. Of course, I peep, and act accordingly.....so days of me not initiating conversation, turn into days of us not talking. Days of us not talking turn to, well, yea.....The Fade....

I just think about how different these women were but how great i felt while with them....maybe they werent right, but maybe, it was me.....maybe I just never did my part. Its just hard, im not a people person. I dont understand people......

#also

Ive taken a pretty distinct step away from many people in my life as of recent. Though i'm usually a fleeting figure in most people lives, Ive actually make an effort to step away this time. Though the details of each instance are all different I just dont see myself as a constant figure in many peoples lives except for a marked few, who I know refuse to let me go even if I tried....I call them friends.

Part of the reason I decided to step away from many relationships, both platonic and romantic is to focus on me...school, work and just ME. I really hold myself to a high standard and dont feel like myself unless they are met. I dont see myself dating which has caused a few sad faces within the past year, but its for everyones own good. Im not here to waste anyones time, so when I do date I want to make sure bringing alot to the table. That is my own insecurity...Ive been told that with regard to relationships i seem to have it "together", and "it seems a bit intimidating". I understand women are idealistic and would certainly accept a guy who was down on his luck, though im not "that guy", my point is im sure im a good catch for someone at the moment, but personally, I wouldnt even have the confidence to make any moves..

Forgiveness and Understanding

...the lack thereof, something I know a lot about.

I dont seek to understand the actions of most people, rarely questioning their motives. I walk away...because I dont seem to care enough to withstand the headache of a potential argument, I hate that back and forth, all to realize you have your perspective and I have mine. Skip that exchange and lets walk away....far away...farther than the farthest speck in my rearview. Till youre someone that I used to know.... I understand my policies arent the best, or most conducive for love, and relationships in general...I understand that. I hurt people with my lack of concern, I understand that...

I understand why I am the way I am... * insert "who hurt you" gif* but its more than that, though it is relevant.

Im a loner by nature, geared to be independent, caring for others doesnt come natural. DEALING with people in general is hard for me. I often go through the motions, doing what i "think" im expected to do....that was a set up for failure in a few past relationships. I fall so easily into doing what I think people want me to do, saying what I think people want me to say, because , again, its easier that way, at least in the short term.  Though ive tried the whole honesty thing, and apparently lost one of the best girls to ever genuinely care about my life. I let her go, on a misunderstanding....again, im not a people person...instead of further explanation, i allowed us to drift on miscommunication. The thing about drifting apart that I hate is, that moment when you realize its too late to go back...

In my pursuit of understanding Forgiveness, ive only gotten far enough to see that caring is a prerequisite, then I hit a wall...

iight....

Lemme go'head and catch yall up
...so, from mid november up until last thursday I was working at Nordstrom. I actually loved that job. For obvious reasons if youve seen the last few posts and noticed how they were about clothes o_0. Nonetheless, i loved the job, just had a few problems with the management.

Fortunately, as a frequent patron of the Ralph Lauren store, I was offered  job, which starts thursday. Also my 3rd semester of grad school ended last week, so Ive been enjoying this mini vaction to chill, rock my sneakers and pretend to get my life together.

Ive decided that I will post here more often (i know, ive said that before) but this is the one place where I can write my thoughts that hasnt been too infiltrated(FB, Tumblr, Twitter) by people that i actually know...not that i dont want readers, I just prefer fewer people. Ultimately I like writing, because it helps me formulate my opinion....and gives me more of a marker for personal progression.


cant wait for work on thursday!