Ive taken a pretty distinct step away from many people in my life as of recent. Though i'm usually a fleeting figure in most people lives, Ive actually make an effort to step away this time. Though the details of each instance are all different I just dont see myself as a constant figure in many peoples lives except for a marked few, who I know refuse to let me go even if I tried....I call them friends.
Part of the reason I decided to step away from many relationships, both platonic and romantic is to focus on me...school, work and just ME. I really hold myself to a high standard and dont feel like myself unless they are met. I dont see myself dating which has caused a few sad faces within the past year, but its for everyones own good. Im not here to waste anyones time, so when I do date I want to make sure bringing alot to the table. That is my own insecurity...Ive been told that with regard to relationships i seem to have it "together", and "it seems a bit intimidating". I understand women are idealistic and would certainly accept a guy who was down on his luck, though im not "that guy", my point is im sure im a good catch for someone at the moment, but personally, I wouldnt even have the confidence to make any moves..
Monday, July 30, 2012
Forgiveness and Understanding
...the lack thereof, something I know a lot about.
I dont seek to understand the actions of most people, rarely questioning their motives. I walk away...because I dont seem to care enough to withstand the headache of a potential argument, I hate that back and forth, all to realize you have your perspective and I have mine. Skip that exchange and lets walk away....far away...farther than the farthest speck in my rearview. Till youre someone that I used to know.... I understand my policies arent the best, or most conducive for love, and relationships in general...I understand that. I hurt people with my lack of concern, I understand that...
I understand why I am the way I am... * insert "who hurt you" gif* but its more than that, though it is relevant.
Im a loner by nature, geared to be independent, caring for others doesnt come natural. DEALING with people in general is hard for me. I often go through the motions, doing what i "think" im expected to do....that was a set up for failure in a few past relationships. I fall so easily into doing what I think people want me to do, saying what I think people want me to say, because , again, its easier that way, at least in the short term. Though ive tried the whole honesty thing, and apparently lost one of the best girls to ever genuinely care about my life. I let her go, on a misunderstanding....again, im not a people person...instead of further explanation, i allowed us to drift on miscommunication. The thing about drifting apart that I hate is, that moment when you realize its too late to go back...
In my pursuit of understanding Forgiveness, ive only gotten far enough to see that caring is a prerequisite, then I hit a wall...
I dont seek to understand the actions of most people, rarely questioning their motives. I walk away...because I dont seem to care enough to withstand the headache of a potential argument, I hate that back and forth, all to realize you have your perspective and I have mine. Skip that exchange and lets walk away....far away...farther than the farthest speck in my rearview. Till youre someone that I used to know.... I understand my policies arent the best, or most conducive for love, and relationships in general...I understand that. I hurt people with my lack of concern, I understand that...
I understand why I am the way I am... * insert "who hurt you" gif* but its more than that, though it is relevant.
Im a loner by nature, geared to be independent, caring for others doesnt come natural. DEALING with people in general is hard for me. I often go through the motions, doing what i "think" im expected to do....that was a set up for failure in a few past relationships. I fall so easily into doing what I think people want me to do, saying what I think people want me to say, because , again, its easier that way, at least in the short term. Though ive tried the whole honesty thing, and apparently lost one of the best girls to ever genuinely care about my life. I let her go, on a misunderstanding....again, im not a people person...instead of further explanation, i allowed us to drift on miscommunication. The thing about drifting apart that I hate is, that moment when you realize its too late to go back...
In my pursuit of understanding Forgiveness, ive only gotten far enough to see that caring is a prerequisite, then I hit a wall...
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