042911

...Im just not one for the spotlight. Its the eve of my graduation and I really dont care. My homie graduates...umm NOW actually(limited tickets) and im BEYOND HYPED for her...but me...not so much....i dunno

I threw together this lil dinner that im currently getting dressed for and even this was more than I wanted. My Fam is currently en route, thats cool, but ehhh i dunno...maybe it just hasnt hit me yet...

....or maybe the uncertainty of the next few months is overshadowing this moment in life...

either way...im content, I hate when people say "arent you happy?...you made it!!"
...i mean yea....but there was never a time where that was up for debate...sure i messed up a few times, but doesnt everyone.


(edit)
12:34am

Lowkey I feel like today is just missing the special someone... Looking back on the females that have been in my life. My ex is supposed to be here.... As lame as it sounds... I still love her... Despite how things ended

...on a brighter note... My parents actually met my friends at dinner and we had a great time.... It's officially Saturday I graduate in 10 hours!!!

Realization #42611

Today I realized that girls actually really like me....i just dont give them the time of day. I realized that as a guy im SUPPOSE to be the one who "chases" but im to chill. Theres one girl who im interested in and she KNOWS...the rest just get conversation here and there.

My boy called me "mr. friendzone" but in all honesty i never pursue anything so thats not a diss, those girls are my homies... for some reason my life isnt powered by sex *shrug* ,,,i mean dont get me wrong...i love a GREAT female body, but i need that connection first...i cant even lie.

Cuz honestly whats the point of sexin dimes that dont last...thats like buying your GRAIL status sneakers and wearin em one and those shits just crumble to pieces. Fuck these glass slipper ass hoes, only good for the night. I need the day time ladies...if you can last through out the day, then trust me youll be around for the night with me....

...and thats how I know

that glorious moment when you see your hard work pay off
...stay thankful and close to God
not saying pray all day, because you pray when you see fit
no need to throw verses at people or parade your faith
let your life be a testament to others
when they ask "howd you do it?"...you reply
...im powered by faith

life gets hard, and thats a fact
life is unfair also
but life does get better...and thats what people need to realize
cant appreciate happiness if youve never been sad
and i dam sure dont wanna listen to you if youve never seen struggle


I look back at the last 4 months of my life, and thats how I know that God is real

Graduation

April 30th 9am

Through it all

...through it all remain true
life has endless inspirations, beautiful inspirations
never steal, only incorporate
there is only one YOU,dont mess it up by being someone else

seriously

"Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without"

single-handedly one of the dumbest quote ever....What kind of person would I have to be to depend on someone to the point "i cant live without" them? S im supposed to just pack myself in a box and die when/if my gf leaves? BITCH-HELLA-PLEASE!... Im gonna live my life regardless of who is around me. I might WANT you around, but shit ill be damned if i NEED someone around. I want my partner to enhance my life, not be the basis of my existence...as if i wasnt living before, and wont be living if they leave...

...call me heartless but shit, i cant go for that

But why...

Im single because i really dont think im capable of being with a person....sure i have friends who i love unconditionally AND WILL DO anything FOR. But when it comes to a girlfriend, i really dont think im capable of accepting someone, flaws and all and still finding them just as attractive. IM SUCH A MENTAL PERSON....i analyze everything. No clue why, but it is what it is....

Im an only child...im fine being alone, and to some extent my personality encourages me being a loner. I do things on MY time, i dont look for people when i wanna make moves....i suppose im too independent when i comes to my peers

Because im so laid back, i attract girls who are more aggressive...that makes sense, girls who would make he effort to let her presence be known.....girls who know me before i even know they exist. Girls who like me, more than I like them......aka girls who annoy the shit outta me...

[addition] Just looking at what others call "love"....i know im no capable of that....
no one person's happiness will never be the basis of my own aside from my kids...
My life will never revolve around an individual, aside from my kids
I dont want to reenact "the notebook", i seriously hated that movie

something ive learned

....few people know me.
Even my closest friends, dont know "me".

Having a convo with my homegirl about relationships, she painted me as the most shallow guy ever. Really offensive, as if i'd never date a girl who wasnt a 10. Word to my ex, if we are compatible based on personality im down for the cause forreal.

I may joke about lightskin shit, or other aesthetics, but that shit doesnt matter as much as people think.

...to some extent i feel like im on a selfmade island.....no one person knows everything about me, so i have to BE different versions of myself to different people. Its the inability to be real with alot of people....they dont want "Real"....people have this pre-composed opinion of me when they meet me....shits wack...

...one day i will probably break, but til then...Charades for everyone

....then she said

" i wanna live through you. I feel like you have the best life"

....i got alittle mad. By no means is my life perfect. She has a corporate job that flys her around. Were both single though...

..i guess is just one of those things, you dont know my life, you just know the outer appearance of it.