Right by your self

I just don't understand how someone can feel that proving a point is more important than solving the problem. A wise woman once said something to the effect of, you keep tryna be right, and you'll be right by yourself... I don't know what you're tryin to prove but a relationship is two human beings, fuck the right and the wrong, there's a person here and your arguments mean nothing if you've lost the other person. This is life, this is emotion...grow up... Realize the only winner is the person who still has someone to argue with

07142013

Can I just say that I'm learning alot about myself through the lens of this "relationship". I suck at communication... I think years of laughing at people who show emotion have me now.... less emotionally free. I definitely don't want to come off as weak or any of the like, but it's just so out of my character to compliment people. Even if the compliment is something that I've actually thought.... the thought is just that...a thought.  I'm trying to become more open with myself, I think I'm a book, but only when asked specifically what my opinion is on something. Aside from specifics, I am pretty closed off... But that's only because I feel like my actions show that I care and that's somehow worth more than any words can describe.... But I'm told in the mind of women, they want both... As with everything else, they want it all.

Eat to live

..drugs are synthesized from nature, and given at concentrated levels but why not give yourself a daily dose of nutrition? Why wait til you're sick? Break the cycle, and prevent the preventable

Nonviolence, is only for the oppressed

Sure there was ghandi, but also there was MLK. Teaching nonviolence to the oppressed seems so weird.... In reference to trayvon Martin, why should the oppressed be obligated to NOT react? When his "girlfriend" was in trial why was she vilified for reacting to the prosecutor? "Never do you find whites encouraging other whites to be nonviolent"- Malcolm X  ...his example of Pearl Harbor still resonates... with the World trade incident, when we are attacked as a country our response isn't nonviolence, it's war. War is their reaction directed/cosigned by the president.... What kind of world would we be in if everyone thought that way? Nations in which we practice drone strikes and kill innocent citizens would be  well within their rights to react THEN... Malcolm X adds as oppressed people of the past (slavery) we are expected to forget oppression, YET the holocaust has two recognized days April 27/28....TWO FUCKING DAYS

Language

Language really is a reflection of experience rather...more so,  than intellect.... Language really is telling of who YOU are...more often than not. The way you communicate with me, or in any situation is indicative of your true self, neither good nor bad... Just a descriptive exercise

03312013

...just one of those nights where i feel overwhelmed by life. Irony of life (living), to make you not want......

Regret, maybe

Though I believe the women of this past year were not "the one" a part of me does regret not actively pursuing them. I mean, i dont chase anyone, as a guy ive been told we are supposed to. Im VERY stubborn, and small annoyances turn to not speaking pretty often. NO ones perfect, i know im not. Part of me is waaaaay too self conscious in the first place. I tend to "play it cool" to the point, im sure the other person doesnt even know i actually care......which is was the goal, but not the goal at the same time.

S forced me to make a decision with the "what are we?" How does anyone respond to that, i dont know? I genuinely loved her company, actually bought her gifts, paid for dinner....willingly, i mean i GUESS we were dating, but putting a label on it freaked me out..... I told her I cared, and wanted to keep getting to know her......she didnt like that......and my stubborn mind let her keep walking...

N didnt help the situation with S....working at the same place, closer to me that S a majority of the day. As N stepped in, S faded, moved on, with work and eventually became a stranger. N and I chilled, i dealt with her free spirit, and loved it.....but of course those free spirits are unpredictable and i do like a certain degree of stability. As a girl who moved across country, i didnt know anything about her past, which in her case, was probably for the better. Pill popper, dreamer, naive, beautiful, FOOL....thats what she was. And i loved every bit. As work took her away, she doubted id stick around, i did my part but again my self conscious mind got in the way. Im not here to chase, if she wants me, she has my number.....and no one is ever THAT busy....again, another one became a stranger...

Then, there was A; a random guest appearance in my life story. Someone i vaguely knew from the past, but who decided to make herself known to me. Again, being self conscious, you tend to THINK, alot. Play it cool, yea I know who you are but, i dont wanna look like i care so, nice to meet you for the first time ever in life. A fireball to say the least, intelligent yet, street, the duality that i love.  I never took her serious, again, people are mostly talk, and im self conscious, i need you to provide credibility before i invest real emotion. Im chillin, seeing where this goes. Whether she was serious or not, ill never know, well, presently i dont, but who knows if shes pop back up. Im not chasing anyone, if i see myself initiating everything, ill take a step back. Of course, I peep, and act accordingly.....so days of me not initiating conversation, turn into days of us not talking. Days of us not talking turn to, well, yea.....The Fade....

I just think about how different these women were but how great i felt while with them....maybe they werent right, but maybe, it was me.....maybe I just never did my part. Its just hard, im not a people person. I dont understand people......